Remember Me?

I'm not sure that I do.

Why is it that good intentions so easily go by the wayside while bad intentions come to fruition in less time than it takes to eat a Twinkie? Not that I eat Twinkies. I'm a Ho-Ho girl myself.

I really have been *Results Typical rather than *Results Not Typical. I didn't follow my plan. I didn't even start to follow my plan. I did go to meetings for a few weeks, but I didn't track, I didn't stop eating crap, and I certainly didn't start exercising. Not shockingly, I stopped going to meetings again.

In May, I said, yet again, enough is enough and waddled back onto the scale. To find a new number that I've never seen in my life. 209.6. The good news is I stayed on track long enough to lose 10 pounds. Then I started slacking again and gained three of them back. One half-assed week helped me lose 1 pound. But now I find myself at a crossroads: do I continue my relapse until it becomes a complete collapse that leaves me at 220 three months from now? Or do I get my act together?

Today, I chose to collapse. I found myself thinking about hitting the McDonald's drive through after work. I wasn't hungry when I got off the train and I knew it. I wanted to go anyway. And so I did, knowing full well that (1) I wasn't hungry; (2) I was sabotaging myself; and (3) I didn't give a fuck.

Now I feel sick.

And fat.

So just what, you may ask, is the plan?

Actually, the plan is what it always was. Weight Watchers for food control, Buff Brides for strength training, yoga and pilates for flexibility, and walking and rowing for cardio. This plan can work and it can work for life. When I followed it I felt good, I lost weight, I got stronger and more flexible, and it was never that hard.

Of course, there is one big flaw in all of this. The plan failed. So why am I keeping it? As I said above, it works. My motivation, my willpower, my desire to change, and my incentives were the problem. Yes, those are pretty big things. But this time I'm trying to keep it simpler. I'm not making vows to lose 2 pounds a week or to blog every day. I'm not going to obsess about things because that just sends me running to the cookie jar.

Mellow. That is my new buzzword. Calm. Sensible. One thing at a time. Hence, the ten goals at the sidebar. For now, I ignore goals two through nine. Right now I am all about goal number 1 - losing 10 pounds. That's it.

But I wouldn't be me without a few rules for just how I am going to lose those those pounds. And so, for the next ten weeks:

• I will go to weekly meetings.
• I will stick to my daily and weekly point allotments, planning and shopping in advance.
• I will record everything I eat and drink.
• I will be active. I will walk at least 40,000 steps a week. I will row for at least 30 minutes a week. I will strength train at least twice a week. I will do yoga or pilates at least once a week.

Further incentive: enter stickk.com and the anti-charity. I don't actually plan to contract through stickk since it does not provide a way to rewrite the terms to my specifications and that makes my little legal mind cringe. However, I adore the concept and so I have come to an agreement with D. I lose ten pounds in the next ten weeks or I send $100.00 to Mike Huckabee's campaign. If he is out, the $100.00 goes to the Institute for Creation Research. If I get my ten pound star within the ten week period, the $100.00 goes into my reward fund and I move on to goal number two.

Disclaimer: I will defend to the death anyone's right to support Mike Huckabee and the creationists. The first paragraph of my personal creed requires me to respect the opinions and beliefs of others. I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone by using a contribution to his campain as an incentive to stick to my plan. However, I am a raving liberal and as such, regardless of how much I admire Huckabee's commitment to health and weight loss, I am more likely to turn into Britney Spears than I am to support a Huckabee presidency.

So that, in a nutshell, is the plan for the first ten pounds. Tomorrow night I go to my meeting and find out where I start. But the points counting starts with breakfast!

I Think Starting Over Might Be Harder Than Starting

The truth is I'm afraid. Very afraid. I don't want to stand on a scale in front of someone and have them write down a number that is higher than I have ever seen in my life. It doesn't matter that it will be a new center. It doesn't matter that it will be a new book. It doesn't matter that they will have no idea that I tried (sort-of) and failed just a few short months ago. It doesn't matter that most people try and fail once, twice, three times or more. I just don't want to have to do it.

On the other hand, I was really happy today. I went through all of my daily activities thinking, "this is the last time that I will ever be this fat." I managed to feel virtuous while consuming a cheese steak, fries, regular coke, and a brownie for lunch by thinking about all of the good things I will be doing for my body starting at midnight and for every day thereafter. Along with the cheese steak and joy there was relief. I will never again hear the horrible voice telling me to take the table in the back corner because I need to hide because someone who looks like me should never been seen eating in public and certainly not scarfing cheese steaks and brownies.

Honestly, it has been an odd couple of months. In some ways I've embraced myself - eating what I want and doing what I want. In other ways I've looked at myself and wondered how I let myself get this way, why I let myself stay this way, and how much better life would be if I didn't have to lug all of me around. I read a post somewhere while I was blog surfing last fall that talked about disappearing weight loss bloggers. Everyone starts out enthusiastic, with grandiose plans. The posts are frequent and hopeful. Then a little negativity sets in. Motivation slides. Posts become fewer and fewer in number. And then they dry up altogether. Looks like another failed attempt at weight loss has hit. I didn't want to be that girl. And if failure reared its ugly head I wanted to write through the challenges and come out on the other side. But I couldn't. I haven't yet figured out how to type while holding onto a chocolate chip cookie in one hand and a carton of McDonald's fries in the others.

I feel calm now, ready to put down the cookies and fries. I think that I've eaten more in the past three months than in the last three years. It doesn't help. It just leaves me more stressed and tired and icky than ever. I felt good during the few short weeks I actually worked the plan. I'm going back.

New Beginnings...

I'm still here and so is my fat (plus an additional couple of pounds to be identified on Wednesday), but all of my previous posts are gone. I'm starting over and, for me, that means starting from scratch.

So it is back to WW on Wednesday!