I'm not sure that I do.
Why is it that good intentions so easily go by the wayside while bad intentions come to fruition in less time than it takes to eat a Twinkie? Not that I eat Twinkies. I'm a Ho-Ho girl myself.
I really have been *Results Typical rather than *Results Not Typical. I didn't follow my plan. I didn't even start to follow my plan. I did go to meetings for a few weeks, but I didn't track, I didn't stop eating crap, and I certainly didn't start exercising. Not shockingly, I stopped going to meetings again.
In May, I said, yet again, enough is enough and waddled back onto the scale. To find a new number that I've never seen in my life. 209.6. The good news is I stayed on track long enough to lose 10 pounds. Then I started slacking again and gained three of them back. One half-assed week helped me lose 1 pound. But now I find myself at a crossroads: do I continue my relapse until it becomes a complete collapse that leaves me at 220 three months from now? Or do I get my act together?
Today, I chose to collapse. I found myself thinking about hitting the McDonald's drive through after work. I wasn't hungry when I got off the train and I knew it. I wanted to go anyway. And so I did, knowing full well that (1) I wasn't hungry; (2) I was sabotaging myself; and (3) I didn't give a fuck.
Now I feel sick.
And fat.
2 comments:
Welcome back. It's been a while. Don't give up. Every day is a struggle but you have to keep trying. The alternative will only make you miserable with even more weight to lose to get to your goal. Keep making small changes, one decision at a time (stay away from the poison at Mc D's. Hang in there.
This is the first time I've found your blog. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. There is nothing harder than this in life, i am convinced. Still, when we have a good run and do well by ourselves, there is no greater reward for hard work, either. It isn't just the weight loss, as I am sure you know. Suddenly you feel "lighter" not just physically but mentally and emotionally. You find energy and vitality that you didn't know was possible. Suddenly, LIFE seems possible.
And you are right...there is nothing harder than starting over again. It is frightening beyond description to face what was the hardest thing you've ever done, wondering if you can manage it again, even for a few short months... I've lost 130 pounds and kept it off for a year and a half. Now I am slowly creeping up ~ 5,...10... now 15 pounds. I know I have to get back on track before it is too late, but I am so so so very scared that I just don't have the fight in me. I'll keep checking your blog to see how you are faring, and I'll do my best to begin again, too...
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